Most parents worry when their child lies for the first time. It’s easy for the parental mind to wander to memories of troubled kids who lied continuously. Fear that their own child will turn into a habitual liar is usually not far behind. But, for most children, lying is a passing phase that is rooted in normal child development.
Why do Some Children Lie?
Lying is actually typical, age-appropriate behavior for children throughout certain stages of childhood. Louise Bates Ames mentions lying in the book Your Four-Year-Old: Wild and Wonderful (Dell, 1976). Ames states that age four is a time when most children brag, exaggerate and lie. She adds that parents should not worry or fuss too much about their child’s lying.
Children lie for various reasons:
- Lying is convenient. Many children will not want to stop their play to do something mundane, like wash hands, so they will lie and say they already did.
- Lying is sometimes used to avoid taking responsibility for a transgression. Nobody wants to get in trouble. A child will sometimes lie to avoid punishment.
- Lying is a form of wishful thinking. Children sometimes create stories that are exaggerations of their own life to make it sound more exciting.
How to Teach Honesty to Children
While lying is generally nothing to worry about for most children, parents can and should strive to teach honesty.
In Connection Parenting [Wyatt-MacKenzie Publishing, Inc., 2005], author Pam Leo reminds us that if we want our children to be honest, we must be honest. Honesty is best taught by modeling. Always tell the truth to your children. Be aware of the different ways in which adults can lie to each other and avoid those scenarios in front of children.
Be wary of setting your child up to lie. If you know your four-year-old has not washed his hands after going to the bathroom, avoid asking him if he has. Chances are he will lie and say that he did. Instead of asking, give him a reminder to wash his hands or ask him if he needs help washing his hands.
Avoid using the label “liar” when a child is exaggerating. Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, author of Raising Your Spirited Child [Harper, 1991], says that negative labels can be devastating for children. Negative labels highlight undesirable characteristics, while hiding the positive characteristics. Instead of labeling an exaggerating child a liar, use words like creative and imaginative.
If your child is lying to avoid punishment, be careful how you approach discipline. As with the hand washing example, don’t ask questions that you already know the answer to. If you know your child broke something, don’t ask if he did it. Instead, discuss the incident without unnecessary questions. Most importantly, practice thoughtful, gentle discipline that won’t create a fear of punishment that leads to lying.
Most children go through a lying phase. These phases are typical and a part of normal child development. Parents can model honesty, avoid setting their children up to lie, avoid negative labels and practice thoughtful, gentle discipline.
Sources:
Leo, Pam. Connection Parenting: Parenting through Connection instead of Coercion, Through Love instead of Fear. Wyatt-MacKenzie Publishing, Inc.: Deadwood, Oregon. 2005.
Kurcinka, Mary Sheedy. Raising Your Spirited Child. HarperCollins Publishers, New York, New York. 1991.
Ames, Louise Bates & Francis L. Ilg, M.D. Your Four-Year-Old: Wild and Wonderful. Dell Publishing, New York, New York. 1976.
